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| Sunday, May 22nd, 2005 | | 1:10 pm |
So I was out with Molly last night, and while we were driving back to her place to say goodbye for the night, she made an excellent observation. I have become that which I rediculed. I am a yuppie. That, and we're pretty much married. Its quite rediculous really. Let's recap saturday. I have a bagel and a banana for breakfast, throw on a striped button down shirt and some flip-flops, both of which are items I had just bought the previous day, and head over to her place. We hang around and have fun for a while, then decide to go out to fells point. We hit the daily grind for after dinner coffee. We walk around some, then into a jewelry store, because I suggested it, you know, just for fun. Then we go into a baby clothes shop. I use the word "cute" to describe over a half dozen inanimate objects. We head into a furniture store, to "compare tastes". We start putting rooms together, looking at some decent tables, talking about minor redesigns for some of the pieces. We really like one of the bedrooms they have put together in the store. I honestly have a great time. After exhausting the store we say that we wish there was time to go to another one. There is some talk of blowing a day at Ikea. Just for fun. We had previously come to fells point to kill time before an emo show, but then decide that we aren't in the mood to be that loud and go to a movie instead. About modern racisim. The previous day we had gone shopping. Where I was taking the lead. And enjoying it. This is scary people. | | Tuesday, May 17th, 2005 | | 10:48 pm |
Its finals season. EndAll2056: the word of the day is "triagonal" EndAll2056: god i've been doing too much math shadowrogue9: yeah shadowrogue9: i'm going to bed soon shadowrogue9: fuck it EndAll2056: yeah EndAll2056: the nap fueled me up a little bit EndAll2056: i'm going to study till i burn out. EndAll2056: then sleep, wake up with a stabbing stomach flu because of the shitty chinese i just ate EndAll2056: vomit all over justin, and go take this exam. shadowrogue9: sounds fun EndAll2056: the logical conclusion here is that i should never compare Mollyn to Molly n-1 Waters0fMarch: lets never put a minus sign anywhere near my name Waters0fMarch: lest you'd like to be Adam - Molly EndAll2056: if Adam + Molly = Adam1 EndAll2056: and Adam - Molly = Adam2 EndAll2056: then Adam2 < Adam1 Waters0fMarch: correct Waters0fMarch: math=cool *Shakes head* it's all over soon, its all over soon. | | Thursday, April 28th, 2005 | | 1:03 pm |
| | Monday, April 25th, 2005 | | 8:46 am |
So just before I go to bed at midnight, a buddy of mine asks if he can use me as a reference for his security clearance application. Then at about 2 am, my phone rings. Its somebody that kinda sounds like my friend, and asks if I can tell them the appt number for somebody that is living in commons. I'm rather delerious, and just play along. "Sure." "Adam McFarland?" "5100A" "Thanks" And then I hung up the phone. I have no idea what the fuck that was about, but of course, I link the two events in my head, and then I can't get back to sleep till about 3, wondering what the fuck just happened, and if answering the phone was even a remotely good idea. | | Tuesday, April 19th, 2005 | | 12:19 pm |
I found this icon and absolutely had to add it. Goddamn I'm laughing so hard. | | Sunday, March 6th, 2005 | | 1:04 pm |
I have come to the conclusion that I am too judgmental. I come to snap decisions and judgments about the people I am with at a moment's notice, and run with the assumptions these things are based on as far as my legs can carry me. Not only is the idea itself dangerous, but the actions I decide I ought to take based on my conclusions put me in a place of considerable, awkward risk as well. I was hanging out with a few friends recently, and couldn't help but observe the dynamic between some of them. Some of these friends were new to me, though certainly not to each other. The elaborate explanations I concocted to give backstory to their interactions and idiosyncrasies were something I enjoyed developing, but later realized were based on nothing. Nothing at all, save my own observation. That in and of itself is bad enough, but I realize this lens I see the world through is horribly chipped, warped, jaded and discolored. Admitting that to myself should make me second guess the entire practice offhand. Knowing this, I still want to make good on the conclusions I came to. Regardless of the fact that I know my assumptions are likely baseless, that my observations are colored to look like a world that only I know, I still think I'm right. I've been talking a lot of arrogance lately, and I realize I'm convincing myself of its uses. Only when I have reason to step back and analyze not only the situations, but myself as well do I realize the errors that I have introduced into the process. But I still think I'm right. I know that acting on these ideas is a terrible risk that carries with it ripples and repercussions that I cannot hope to plot to their termination. But I still want to go through with them. Dreams happen in our own minds, sequestered away from the rest of creation. Perhaps these hallucinations should as well. All the same, I still think of the entire process as an art form, and something to be shared. Dangerous, dangerous, dangerous. For all the guilt, risk and hazard mitigation I do, I still find good ways to circumvent the whole damn mess. Something tells me I've come to the wrong conclusion about myself as well. And why does this keep running through my mind? Smile like you mean it children, after all, lies are only the half truths we aren't able to convince ourselves of. | | Sunday, November 7th, 2004 | | 6:22 pm |
Don't ask me why. Maybe its a funk, but whatever. I've mostly just spent the day sitting around, and don't plan to stop, but it seems like my brain is running too much. Eh. I need to do laundry, and I just got around to showering, and I need to stop avoiding the topic as for why I logged in and started writing this. That might be because I thought I'd figure out the why of it once I started writing. I think this is what happens when I hit a depression slump but I'm still happy about other things. I get a little moody with people I live with and think, but don't actually feel bad. The only complicated problems are the ones you don't want to solve. I thought that one up when I was getting in the shower. I think it came from some drama that I was talking to Xiah about. It just happens to actually sum up how I've been looking at life lately. Things are simple if you want to believe they can be. I found something out about my cousin that I'm a little weirded out by, but not entirely surprised by. Still processing that one. I guess I just wanted to get on here and be nondescript and ramble, because thats half of what I do in my head. The head was feeling a little... redundant. Like I'd already run over the topic as much as I could. And that triggers something from a while ago. I remember mom shouting at dad that he could "stop beating a dead horse". The context is what's important there, not the words themselves. It was sort of their code phrase for "shut the fuck up, I don't want to talk about this, and it's not doing me any good" for when she was on chemo. I can't get over the passage of time here. That seems so long ago. Actually it feels like theres a barrier up. That the glass goes one way. I can observe those parts of my life, but they can't interact with me. Is that how I consider a part of my memory "dealt with"? Should I be afraid of that? When is it normal to isolate myself from something, and when is it dangerous? I feel like something is coming. In the horror movie sense of the word, where the creepy kid says "something is coming" and an SUV crashes through the living room. | | Thursday, October 28th, 2004 | | 10:12 pm |
So I woke up this morning to see what looked like sewage flooding my appartment, and the day went pretty much downhill from there. I went to bed at six after nearly finishing what I knew was a substandard lab report. I figured I'd wake up at seven thirty to put some polish on it and finish the section I hadn't completed yet. At seven, dave was pounding on the door telling us to get up, there was water all over the place. Brown water was seeping through the walls and under the door of the appartment, about an inch over all of the common area, and seeping fast to our rooms. My first reaction was to go back to bed, because this really wasn't happening. Of course, it was. So I scramble to get everything off the floor, print a copy of this shitty, half finished lab report, unplug my computer, and pile everything on the bed. It was an hour before my first class would start, but I figured I'd go to the room and just sleep there instead. Took off my shoes becuase they were soaked, just sat in class, couldn't sleep, read some about the lab I was doing that day. An extra long polymers lecture later, my shoes and socks were still soaked, and I grabbed a bagel from the E&M food court, waited for pchem lab. Lab was boring as shit, watching a thermocouple graph readout of a bomb calorimeter. So I've turned in this half complete lab, but I just don't care. I'm practically falling asleep on my feet, and I figure work crews will probably have been shampooing my carpet or something when I walk back to commons. Instead, I see crews in my room tearing the walls off. Justin was sitting outside; "So what the hell is going on?". "The walls need replacing, and they're going to remove the carpet. We're being displaced for about four days." "*sigh*, fuck it." I drop my bag, take off my shoes, and pass out on a bench for a half hour. Its now about four thirty, we need to go to an information session for all the displaced residents at five, and I need to effectively get everything I can out of the appartment. So we pack up our stuff, the information session basically tells us that a twelve inch water main six feet underground spontaneously split in half, resulting in a mini tsunami that totally fucked the building. They offer to find us places to stay, and tell us it'll likely be till tuesday morning at least before we can move back in. Justin tells me Ladner has already offered to let me stay at his place for the duration. I get my first real meal since lunch the day before, and if it wasn't thursday, at this point, I would have made a point of getting drunk. It just seemed like the right thing to do. The silver lining on all this is the new level of apathy that I have discovered. I simply do not give a shit about anything right now. The apocalypse could happen right now, and I'd just watch the brimstone raining from the skies, totally cool with it. I've got to figure out something to do for the two hour break I have between classes tomarrow. And write up this lab report for unit ops lab. And get in touch with Molly about the Lewis Black show tomarrow night. And fucking SLEEP. I feel like I'm too tired to sleep. I'm just rambling now, but whatever. I'm out. | | Sunday, October 24th, 2004 | | 10:26 pm |
So, with what may be a recurring theme in entries of late, I haven't updated this thing in a really really long time. Oh well. The seeing someone thing with Jessi from july went south in a hurry after that posting. *shrug* it happens. I consider myself to be more stable overall than I was then, or at least I think so. Mostly, I'm updating this time because I said I would to a certain someone (Molly), who I've been seeing for over a month now. Yay for social lives. Well, what social life I can cram in between homework. Two three credit lab courses require lots of out of classroom work. LOTS. I'm enjoying this technical writing less and less. But, such is the life that I've got to live to get my fancy piece of paper. I might end up updating more often. Don't bet on it. | | Wednesday, July 28th, 2004 | | 4:03 pm |
OI! So last night I had a really good run with the reactor, produced some good results, even though I was there running the thing till 9:30 at night. Little annoying. Drove around in the rain with this little elated "my shoes are too tight but I get to take them off soon wheres some food I want to eat I can't believe I need to go to bed in thirty minutes!" mentality. Played galaxies for about a half hour, and indeed, went to bed. I think the reactor made up for it by leaking gas today. I couldn't figure out why the access valve in the bottom wouldn't seal, and after some tender loving beatings with a wrench, I managed to solve the problem, though I have NO idea if theres any of the powder I originially loaded into it left in the thing. Guess I'll find out tomarrow. Tired, must do laundry. Have to decide if I want to nap, or wash the sheets. Washing them is currently winning, but only if I promise it additional reinforcements in the form of caffine. | | Friday, July 23rd, 2004 | | 10:52 pm |
Its a friday night. I'm living in a sorrority, nobody is here. Everyone I know is either already doing something, or not within reach. Its a friday night, I'm living in a sorrority, and I have NOTHING to do. yikes. Didn't see this one coming. | | Thursday, July 22nd, 2004 | | 10:50 pm |
Weird, it's like I want someone to talk to me, or at least something interesting to watch. Maybe it's a desire to process new information. I keep surfing my usual comic pages and thinking I'm forgetting one, or talking to friends and realizing its not the conversation I really want to be having. Problem is, I don't know what it actually is that I'm wanting. Ah well. I should be sleeping anyway. | | Wednesday, July 21st, 2004 | | 9:51 pm |
It occurs to me that I haven't updated this in quite a while. While I might have sometimes meant to, I never really did, and this doesn't bother me. Come to think of it, hardly anything has lately. Some of the days seem weird, I'll get a headache remembering what I'm doing, or what day of the week it is, or debating who I am. I couldn't seem to shake this thousand yard stare yesterday, very strange. On a decidedly normal note though, I've started seeing someone (though I suppose that isn't exactly normal for me). Interesting to feel a burst of change in outlook, and then settle again. I've come to the conclusion that I'm far more simple, far more complex, and far more malevolent than I previously thought, though maybe I'm just letting more testosterone do some imagining recently. The evil is always coupled with guardianship, something I'm just beginning to notice. I wonder if the road to hell is paved with good intentions, and gullable as I am, I could probably convince myself of either side of the argument. I've probably got a less reliable understanding of myself as well. Though I always thought that one of my best traits, I'm not so worried to feel it behaving differently, and I'm not concerned about the change it could suggest. Fear and discomfort really don't seem to be coming up regarding anything lately. In a way, thats probably for the best. At the end of the day though, I'm still myself, and I'm still just looking for a good conversation. I might change the label, but the bottle is still the same. | | Wednesday, March 3rd, 2004 | | 8:57 pm |
Life is so....... funny. I think I'm going to begin ignoring women that seem to show interest in me, seeing as how they always have boyfriends. It'll streamline the process. This way it's just all bitching all the time. | | Friday, February 6th, 2004 | | 10:06 pm |
I just scrolled back through the year's postings... What a year. | | 9:42 pm |
It's been forever and an age since I updated, but so be it. Watching the world around me, I think I'm starting to understand what has changed, and how I've changed because of it. I was seeing a therapist for a little while, because I thought I was still carrying with me issues about mom's death. But now, that seems to have changed. I'm stable again, and living, moving about in a world that doesn't seem so hostile anymore. I lack a home, but I see it's potential to exist within myself. I don't quite know where I'm going, but its ok. There are shadows of my friends nearby, and I know their presence is close. The place at my side has become accustomed to being empty, and I wonder if I hold too high a hope for who I'm looking for to fill it. Through this time, through these paths everything is different, in ways I haven't fully seen yet. I know they'll be changing for a long time. I'm ready to face it though. I'm actually willing to get up, a first in a long time. | | Saturday, October 18th, 2003 | | 10:28 pm |
After a late night conversation last night, I've lost my best friend. She's actively changing who she is, becoming what she sees as being more independant and having fewer things tie her down. Not being needed anymore. In that, I support her, she is my best freind, after all. Unfortunately, I can't trust this new person the same as I was the old. Its hard to think you have value in another person's eyes when they aren't willing to make small sacrifices for you in a time of need. Because I have that definition of trust, I have to start building walls between myself and someone who I know will eventually let me down. I have to hold back from someone I used to embrace. And it fucking SUCKS. Regardless of that, I'll still push her forward in this direction if its the one she wants to persue. Because she IS my friend, after all. So now I'm in the market for a friend in whom I can trust everything I am, who is willing to accept the priveledges and responsibilities that entails. The overly dramatic and self pitying part of me wants to ask why all the things I love leave me. Its full of shit. But that doesn't change the fact that I kinda want to believe it. | | 2:11 am |
Somehow cold temperatures have an odd effect of simplifying matters. When coupled with a mind thats ready for a few delusions, or maybe just a chance to talk to itself, interesting things happen. I might have to do this more often. | | Thursday, October 16th, 2003 | | 11:59 pm |
I felt like I've been forgetting something most of the day now. *JUST* now I remember that I have a diffEQ exam tomarrow morning at 11. Better late than never I suppose. | | Tuesday, October 14th, 2003 | | 9:56 pm |
I just drank something from a chinese food joint that was yellow, had black jelatin balls floating in it, and was labeled cancer. I am SOOOOOOO disturbed. |
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